> ## Content Index
> Fetch the complete content index at: https://fieldnotes.steveschlafman.com/llms.txt
> Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further.

# On Your Side, Wherever You End Up
- URL: https://fieldnotes.steveschlafman.com/on-your-side-wherever-you-end-up/
- Published: 2026-09-14T11:00:03.000Z
- Updated: 2026-09-14T11:00:07.000Z
- Author: Steven Schlafman
- Tags: coaching, hakomi

When I start working with a client, usually in the first session, I tell them something that can be confusing at first:

"I care where you end up, and I don't care where you end up."

What I mean is that I care about them and the life they're building. I believe in their inherent goodness and potential. I want their choices to reflect what matters to them and where they are in their life. That includes the work they do, the people they surround themselves with, and what they have the energy and desire to take on.

Two years ago, I began studying [Hakomi](https://hakomiinstitute.com/?ref=fieldnotes.steveschlafman.com), a form of mindful somatic psychotherapy. Since then, I've been learning to lead the client by following them. In [*Grace Unfolding*](https://www.amazon.com/dp/0517881306?lv=shuf&channelId=500&plpRedirect=mhFallback&ref=fieldnotes.steveschlafman.com), Greg Johanson and Hakomi's founder, Ron Kurtz, write about approaching the work with "no investment in changing anybody, looking good as a therapist, or some other personal agenda."

For me, that means unlearning the impulse to jump in and fix. Sometimes I have to let go of an insight or suggestion I'm excited about because it doesn't serve what the person in front of me is experiencing or wanting.

I still share what I notice in them, along with what comes up in me as we talk. This may include observations, thoughts, feelings, intuitions, and impulses. I often offer suggestions and invitations, and occasionally give advice, though I’m mindful of what I offer and why.

If their actions or decisions seem to conflict with what they say they value or want, I name it with curiosity. When I notice a familiar pattern or hear them contradict themselves, I bring it up and ask what they make of it. I bring my experience and judgment to the work, and I’m willing to be challenged, too.

I hold it all loosely in service of the client.

But I don’t have a picture of what their destination should look like. They might go back into investing, start a company, or take a sabbatical and figure out the rest later. They might stay exactly where they are but change how they’re showing up.

Even after months or years of working together, when I know a client well, I still only have a window into their life. We spend a handful of hours together each month, sometimes with emails, texts, and audio messages in between. I have a lot of context, but they know their history and the daily realities of their work and life in ways I never will.

Most have people who care about them and have opinions about what they should and shouldn’t do: their partner, their parents, their friends, and their peers. If I get too attached to a particular outcome, I risk becoming one more person they feel they have to please.

I trust the person across from me and the process we’re in together. We pay attention to what happens as we explore a question or try something new. Whatever surfaces helps guide what I ask or offer next. That’s how I’m learning to lead by following.

Above all, I want them to know I’m on their side, even when their choices surprise me or challenge what I believe. I hope they feel safe enough to talk openly about what they want and what scares them, including desires that feel risky to pursue or even admit to me. They don’t have to choose the career or life I would choose to have my support and attention.

That’s what I find beautiful about this work: caring deeply about someone while trusting them to find their own way. I get to be alongside them as we discover where that leads.