A few hours after publishing I Write With AI, I told my partners about the note and how I was feeling during our weekly Zoom:
"I feel so relieved to get that note into the world. I don't have to hide anything anymore. I'm no longer out of integrity with myself."
As soon as those words left my mouth, the weight of hiding it lifted even more.
I exhaled.
One of my partners, who recently finished writing his book, filled the silence.
"I've collaborated with AI on an essay, but I just haven't been able to hit publish. It's this weird fuzzy feeling. I've been stuck at that spot."
He paused, working it out loud.
"I think of it like metabolizing my shame. Part of the process is just being loud and open about it. I haven't found anything that works better than just claiming it."
My other partner summed it up in five words: "Shame dies in the open."
As I circled this with my partners, I realized this shame went deeper than I thought. There were some old stories resurfacing.
You're not a good writer. Great writing has to be hard, and you're taking a shortcut. You're lazy. The work isn't really yours. You're a fraud.
I realized in that moment the shame wasn’t just telling me I was cheating, it was telling me I was fundamentally flawed.
I knew that feeling too well.
The year before I got sober, I'd lie awake in the middle of the night with a shame so heavy I felt like I was being driven into the mattress. I was ashamed of my addiction and the things I was doing to hide it.
Once I started telling people about my addiction, the shame began to lift. First, a coworker, then a room of strangers at AA, then Eliza and my family, then my therapist, and eventually my Twitter followers.
Each time I said it out loud, the weight got lighter. I began to accept the parts of me that had spent years hiding and numbing. More than a decade later, that shame is gone.
That’s what is happening all over again. I was carrying shame about using AI to write and didn’t realize how much energy it was taking from me until I published the note and said it out loud to my partners on Thursday.
They didn't judge me. They just listened, and I felt seen and accepted. I walked away knowing I can just be myself with them, even when it’s uncomfortable to say what I’m really thinking and feeling.
Since Thursday, I've gotten five emails from readers telling me they write with AI. Some use it because they have ADHD, and others use it because it's fun and helps them think better. They were relieved to see someone else write about it. More than anything, they told me they love my writing and can feel the care I put into it.
As I write this, I have a big smile on my face. I'm feeling lighter and more energized because I'm no longer hiding it.
I believe that's what my partner meant by metabolizing shame. When you say it out loud and let yourself be witnessed without judgment, it slowly loses its grip.